My whole life I have been a reactant type of person. Every time I didn’t like something that was said or done, I reacted, usually winding up in the other person unhappiness which if they were dear to me in turn lead to me being unhappy. Even though I am reactant/explosive, I want everyone including myself to be happy.
A few days ago, I missed my mid-day nap after training because I agreed to take my girlfriend grocery shopping. The whole time I was there walking around with her shopping, I was totally tense and unhappy. I felt horrible for being there and agreeing to this and it showed.
After shopping we got to her house and I felt as if I exploded on the inside. It was already 6 PM and I totally missed my nap. When I miss my naps, I’m a very irritable person and definitely not to fun to be around. When we got back in the car, she asked me what was wrong, and told me that she’s sorry I missed my nap. I wasn’t listening and all I heard was explosions in my head because my EGO was going crazy.
We got to the train station and started talking. She told me she didn’t like that I was unhappy, and it made her upset. My EGO started cooling down as soon as I seen how upset she got. I don’t want to make her or anyone I care about upset, so I started listening to what she was saying.
She said that I am too explosive, and after I explode and calm down, I leave a lingering feeling on people, especially her. It took a few minutes to process, and realize that I am not being attacked, but the hamster started moving the wheel and I realized that she’s right.
After a few failed attempts at talking between us in that moment, I promised her that I would try to catch as many outbursts as I can. She in turn told me something along the lines of that not enough, because she wasn’t listening to me at the moment and her EGO was going off on how I tend to hurt her. After a few moments, she realized that she wasn’t fully aware of what I said and that what I said was exactly was she longed for from me.
Peace was reestablished between us, and all it took was being conscious of the thoughts and words that go through my mind and out of my mouth. Sometimes it might be a facial expressions or body language. Either way I need to be mindful of the things that make me “unhappy” and realize how insignificant most of them really are.
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The biggest problem in relationships is the lack of (clear) communication. There are times when the girl does something that she thinks is perfectly fine, but the guy thinks its an attack on his personality. And the same in reverse. I’ve had a number of instances where I got agitated at my gf for something that I thought she was doing just because she could, and she thought I was being unreasonable in my actions. After speaking out, and putting all the reasons for our actions down, it became clear that things have just been a big miscommunication.
Certainly if you are walking (or doing some activities) with one person, and get upset, its quite normal for the other person to feel that you are upset at them, and they get upset at you for being upset at them (vicious circle).
So, arguments will happen, and egos will clash, but at the end of the day, its a good idea to figure out what the person is upset about, and what made you upset about them.